disappointment

After having what was left of my funds chipped away by various needs such as meals and kids' tickets to the local corn maze, I've realized that I can't afford to do the costume that my daughter asked me to do. So, I'll make her ruby slippers for her, then explain that mommy just can't afford to make herself a costume. She'll be disappointed, but I'm sure she's used to hearing "mommy can't afford it" by now.

But then, that's only one of many things I can't afford, so it's no big deal. Wanting to do one special thing that my daughter asked of me is small in comparison. Yet it's such a huge thing for me, to have one more reason for her to be disappointed in me. Of course she loves me anyway, I know that. But to have her prefer her grandmother because grandma gives her nice things, or just to have her look at me with that disappointment because I've had to break yet another promise to her while putting a lot of effort into doing stuff for her brother. It makes me feel like a horrible failure.

Part of it is that I know exactly how it feels having an older brother who got all the attention, who my parents would go out of their way to try and talk him into getting things, only to turn around when it's my turn and say that those same things are no big deal and there's no reason for me to even want them. I don't want to ever give my daughter that impression, but I just can't help feeling like I am sending that message. It's not that I think my son is getting more attention than he should. I don't think that. He requires so much time, attention, and effort just to help him learn to deal with the world around him. I worry that my daughter feels she's not as important to us because he requires so much more attention. The fact that I have to break my promise to her, when we're going to be making a big deal of her brother's birthday, makes me feel like a horrible mother. Like I'm failing her.