Lonliness

It has been roughly four years since my husband walked out on me. During that time, I have not dated. At all. Never even had any offers. A lot of family members just assume it's me putting my focus on school and the kids, on getting myself back on my feet. It's not. The truth is, I don't want to date. Ever.

See, the thing is, even four years out, I still wish for my family back. Still hope that he'll see how much progress I'm making and realize he still loves me and wants our family back together. I know it's rediculous, I know that it's never going to happen. Still, I can't help wishing.

We do things together a lot. Partly because I still can't afford a home that is fit to bring the kids into, and partly because with our son's AS, we have to work together to help him. When we do, I can't help but have these moments where we're all laughing and playing and smiling, and part of my brain goes "this is the way it's supposed to be. This is what is real." Then, it ends. The kids get tucked into bed, and I get in the car to come 'home'. Or something happens to remind me, I'm only there for the kids' benefit, not because he actually cares about me.

What it boils down to, though, is that I still wish for the happy family we used to have, back when our son was a baby. As long as I am still wishing for my best friend back, I have no business trying to move on to someone else.